a country far away was attacked and civilization destroyed

i took solace in the fact that it was not my country

a city was burned down to ashes

i grieved for the sufferers

it was not my city....it gave me peace

a big house was plundered around the corner

i pitied the looted

not my house....i was comforted

the comfort didnt last long nor did the peace

the foraying continued and so did the suffering

faith perished... no one was trusted

fear took different shapes n forms 

and was seen here n there...everywhere

life took a different meaning

to get through a day untouched became the only driving motive

to see the loved ones live through the night the only happiness

day came...day gone

nothing changed except for the count of the empty houses

silence ruled over the place except for the sound of lifeless feet dragged away

no one questioned the silence...it was too still to be broken

city of the living dead....it turned into

time passed by...

one day the silence was shattered by a cry...one loud cry of pain

a child was in the open... the child was hurt

not my child my heart thrummed

the silence spread over again 

except for a pair of running feet outside my door

the mother of the child i thought

i was bracing myself for more pain in the air

how badly the child was hurt...i didnt dare to step out

time ticked away slowly...second after second

what i heard next was not something i was prepared for

the sound of laughter interrupted my thoughts

it was real....it was alive

the child was safe the mother was happy

her happiness at that moment was boundless

n made me restless....i wanted to touch it 

i deliberated...but the pure energy tugged at my heart

i stepped out measuring my steps

there at the corner i saw the mother 

holding her child to her heart celebrating the life

i walked to her...she looked at me

a smile was dancing on her almost dead face

weekly and shyly i returned her smile

this was a long forgotten gesture...

i realised i was not alone..there were other shy faces around

we looked at each other...recognition in our eyes 

we held each other...warmth spreading in our hearts

slowly the darkness fell... but we stood still

we had each other...one and another

we are not alone...

One expectation
This is what I would do anyway
I can do it


another expectation
hmmm...this is not what I want to do exactly but I guess I can do this
just a li'l out of way...it wont hurt


yet another expectation
I donno if I want to do this
this is not what I want
but will it hurt to do this for their sake?
they will b happy if I do this...I know
its not much...I wont regret this
I can do it this time


one more expectation
Hell!this is not something I would ever do...never!
How could they ever expect such a thing out of me??
I cant...even if I can I dont want to
but it would break their heart if I dont
can I live with that guilt for the rest of my life?
will it hurt to do this??
Yes...dearly but I can live with that...
I can do it this time...one last time

No Manager
No Lead
Just me n my work...
How cool is that...NOT!!!

The much needed drive to work (boss) is missing
but not the work
the purpose of working (showing off to the boss) is missing
but not the work

Alas! what has it come to finally....
to work just for the sake of work...
work n nothing but the work
is this what life has come to finally???

where has the motivation gone??
taking along with it the purpose....
on a vacation of course!

well well...get back to work
and get something done
before the manager comes barking
fresh n energetic from the vacation :P

One day not very long time ago when i was a kid who only knew black and white n never knew the existence of grey, had a fight with my then best friend over a doll. We disagreed with each other n then decided we cant be friends any more. Hence we were enemies n we walked away. We avoided each other for a few days...atleast that is what each one wanted the other to believe. We were only trying to get each other's attention. days passed...though we acted like we were having the best time ever...we missed each other more than ever but waited patiently for the other one to approach first. She was the one who disagreed first, wasn’t she? So why should I be the one to go to her first? After all im having fun here n she is the one who is bored n longing to play with me again.....hmmmm.....im bored too....but who cares as long as its not obvious to her. As soon as she comes to me i will forgive her n will start playing with her again....daadidaadidaaa. Look! She is coming this way. I bet she finally realized her mistake. Im not looking at her. No..no..i cant let her know im waiting for her. Here she comes. She is looking at me. I cant stop smiling. She opened her mouth to say but I was too excited to even wait for her to apologizes "it’s ok...I understand you r sorry for fighting with me. I forgive you" said I with the biggest ever grin dancing on my face. She stared at me n said "hey! I came here only to tell you that your mum is looking for u. why should I say sorry? You are the one who said we are not friends anymore. We are enemies. But if u want to play with me again...well....ok...may b I can consider it!"
"Why would I apologize to u?"
"I will never say sorry to u"
"Fine!"
"Fine!!"
"You better give me back all my dolls"
"And you give back my building blocks"
"You still have my....."
"How abt my......."
When we were busy sorting out the things we owned and owed our mothers arrived. Told us to stop bickering and said its time for truce. Made us shake our hands n well sorted out the enmity between us. We were friends again...best friends!
This my friend is the tale of a fight over a doll between me n my then best friend not very long time ago but very far away from today's thoughts.

Childhood... so simple n so alive.
Everything that wasn’t white was black then and everyone who wasn’t a friend was an enemy
we either liked it or we didn’t
No false pretences no lies
No bitching no back biting
Either a yes or a no....
Just fair n square....
Just black n white....

I donno when the grey matter seeped into our lifes...
Everything that wasn’t white could b grey...not just black
Everyone who wasn’t a friend could b an acquaintance or just a nobody....not even worth being an enemy
Apart from yes or no there are may be, could be, possibly be, not exactly.....the list goes on
Hypocrisy in the name of diplomacy has become the new way of life
Life has become complex and the complexity only seems to be growing day after day
Life has turned into just shades of grey.....

Bangalore is the place with the maddest weather on earth says I. Its raining cats n dogs here. I wont be surprised if it rains elephants one fine day. I never liked rainy seasons much but never actually hated them. but honestly after living in this place i started detesting them. I know there are places where it rains all year long but i never lived there. Every evening as the clock strikes 5 all the dark n heavy clouds come out of their hiding getting ready for a heavy downpour. Every day! its the same story!! y don’t these rains take a break or atleast the weekends off rather than ruining them??? But no.... y would they? Wont they ever get tired of showering so much??

Rain rain go away
come again some other day
Li'l Harry wants to play
Rain rain go away

Not all agree with me though. there r loads who loooove these bloody rains as they find them so romantic !huh!!being drenched in this acidic rains n chilled to the bone is not something that ever appealed to me esp the sneeze train follow up and struggling to get the mud stains off my clothes....well that explains things fairly well.
Days look so gloomy n sad n dull n...nothing good when the clouds are hovering around. i would prefer my days bright n sunny..I guess i derive my energy from the sun. I wont be surprised if the scientists come up with research results which classify people into different types depending on whether they derive (per me) their energy from sun or moon or rain....whatever the other things might be. Cloudy/rainy days make me dull most of the times. never feel like getting out of bed. mind you...not bcoz im sleepy but just lazy. They make me thoughtful at times... thoughtful about my past, my present, n well at times abt my future... about what happened, what could have happened, whats happening and what can/might happen n i hate these thoughtfulness spell as the complete focus shifts onto me. Im the one in spotlight and everyone n everything else is plunged into darkness. its me n only me I can think of n i hate it! I have committed mistakes n blunders in my past. the amount of damage caused has caste a very long shadow that seem to creep into my present at times and I cant stop thinking about them n cant stop feeling low that only doubles up the gloom already in picture. I have learnt my lessons from my past experiences n I learnt them in the painful way so as never to forget them n never to repeat them but i cant help wondering what new fiascoes are in store for me..sounds like fun...not!!!I know this is the way of life...learning from our mistakes, making sure never to repeat them n ofcourse to commit new ones( thats the only way i would learn my lessons, the hardest way) n though I crib n cry about it I have no other go but to accept it just as i finally resign to an everlasting spell of dull n gloomy n self retrospective painful days...I really really hate rainy seasons!!

Looks so perfect.. a glowing white disc against a dark background...full moon shining bright and a clear cloudless sky...my Chandamama. When I was very young, someone pointed at the dark spots on the moon n said it was an old lady sitting there n watching over us. I found the old lady very amicable n used to love watching her lying on my back n wondering how she got there till I drifted into the fantasy land of hers. When I was young someone else laughed at my ridiculous story of the old lady and told me it was a rabbit n Alexander put it there. Bingo! it really was a rabbit. I could very clearly make out its ears n mouth. How silly of me to think it was an old lady??!!! And thus I was enlightened by the knowledge imparted by the wise one. When I was not so young did my science teacher finally overrule all those beautiful fables and succeeded in drilling into our puzzled minds all those really real fundas of natural satellites n the whole phenomenon of lunar cycles. Initially I had difficulties to step out of fantasy into reality and still admire him. It took me a while to figure out that it doesnt matter what he really is.. whether its an old lady or a rabbit or some craters, I still find him beautiful....beauty divine. I guess those black spots on the otherwise perfectly clear moon is what makes him more real....imperfect but real and brings him closer to my heart making him my dearest friend. He is the one who always plays the role of the listener, a very patient listener indeed....towards my complaints, outbursts, silly talks, silent tears and the endless mirth over my self proclaimed achievements. He is pretty mischievous at times n a real good 'hide-n-seek'er especially on a cloudy day. He is a friend I can always count on. No matter how much I talk about him there is always more to say. No matter how many times I see him im never satisfied. In short i love him... I love him a lot...he is my favorite Chandamama!

y does it hurt to say no...i thought only hearing it hurts

y only being desired matters but not being deserved?

y does it hurt to let someone's dream collapse even when it was strong enough to crush me down?

y does my conscience prick when someone finally gives up on prisoning me?

y does it hurt to speak my mind than to lie forever?

y do people wish to live with a lie forever at the cost of their freedom?

y does it feel wrong when i choose my happiness over others'?

y is it a noble deed to sacrifice my happiness to see a smile on others' face?

y are my tears of pain ingonred when the others' eyes are filled with tears of joy?

a throbbing pain pricking at some sensitive corner of my mind,

a sickening feeling never leaves me alone...never in peace,

a slow poison not strong enough to kill but to leave me struggling for my life,

a dull ache pushing me more n more towards insanity...questioning my sanity,

a truth im scared to accept

a past im unable to escape

why doesnt the pain leave me or die away than letting me bleed to death...a slow painful death sapping out all the happiness n leaving me to die in misery drowned in my own sorrow????

If to end is the only end to it..then why not quickly...a sharp pain n its all gone forever, a single blow to silence the moan once n for all??

why making me relive those moments that robbed my happiness condemning me to die every living second and to live the death again n again??

Sometimes Im a child rushing out to meet my loved one and embrace it with all my heart and get carried away in that gleefulness which knows no bounds.
Sometimes Im content to meet an old friend over a cup of coffee and open our hearts to each other catching up on old times and updating each ohter over all the happenings since we last met
Sometimes Im a failure brooding over the past wondering what went wrong and how i could have made things better
Sometimes....sometimes Im the rain... Im in the clouds, Im in the raindrops, in the wet earth, in the muddy rushing flow washing everything on its way.
Im hope... Im fear
Im life... Im destruction
Im everything... Im nothing
Im.... Im...

మేఘాలు కరిగి నీటి బింధువుల్లా మారి తమ నెలవయిన ఆకాశాన్ని వీడి తమకై ఎన్నో యుగాల వంటి రోజుల నుండి వేచిచూసే ఆ నేలను తాకగా... ఆ నీటి బింధువు తో పులకించిన నేల తల్లి ఆనందం తో వెదజల్లే సువాసన ఆ 'మట్టి వాసన".
ఆ నింగీ నెలా సంగమమే ఈ వాన. ఏనాడైనా ఆ సంగమాన్ని చూసారా?? ఏ రోజైనా ఆ సువాసన ని ఆస్వాధించారా?? ఆ వర్షాన్ని ఆ మట్టి వాసనని ఆనందించని వాళ్ళు ఉందరు కదూ!
ఆ చల్లని గాలి, ఆ గాలిలో ఆనందంగా తాండవం చెసే ఆ పచ్హని చేలు, ఎంతో దూరాన్నుంచి ఆ గాలి మోసుకొచ్హిన మట్టి వాసన నా మనసులో ఎదో తెలియని సంతొషాన్ని నింపాయి. ఎన్నో చిన్ననాటి జ్ఞాపకాలను వెలికి తెచ్హాయి.
వేసవికాలం సెలవులు, తాతగారి ఊరిలొ కలిసే బంధువులు, పచ్హని చేలు, ఆ తాటి కాయలు, ఈత పండ్లు, అమ్మమ్మ చేతి గోరు ముద్దలు...నాకంటే నాకు అని పోటి పడి మరీ తినటం, ఎడ్ల బండ్లు, ఊయ్యాలలు, గొర్రెల మందలు, తొక్కుడు బిల్ల, కొతి కొమ్మచ్హి, వీరి వీరి గుమ్మడి పండు, సాయంకాలం అరుగుపై ముచ్హట్లు, రాత్రి వేళ డాబా పై నిద్ర పోయేదాకా ఒకరిని ఒకరు ఆట పట్టించటం, పొడుపు కథలు విప్పటం, కథలతో కళ్ళ ముందు కదలాడిన రాజులు, మాంత్రికులు, రాక్షసులందరికి ఆ చంద్రుడు నక్షత్రాలే సాక్షి.
అనుకోకుండా ఓ మద్యహ్నం కురిసిన వర్షం, ఆనందం తొ తడిసి ముద్దయ్యేదాకా వేసిన చిందులు, మట్టితో చెసిన కళా ఖండాలు ఏనాటికీ మరువరానివి. ఆ ఆడిన ఆటలు, పాడిన పాటలు, అర్థంలేని పొట్లటలు, చెసిన అల్లర్లు ఎన్నటికి చెరిగిపోని తీపి గుర్తులు.

Another meeting...an introduction to a new project coming up 6 months later where even the requirements are not finalized. I wonder why it is held in the first place. Never mind. As I have no choice but to attend it i will. The most important job to be done before the meeting
commences is to grab the corner most seat in the last row n if time permits...dim the lights n to increase the temparature (to make the surroundings more friendly than in Alaska or Siberia) These ensure better sleeping conditions without being caught rather noticed.
Meetings never start on time. There would be a delay of atleast 10mins(Knowledge gained through experience). This one was scheduled at 3pm. I was in the meeting room by 3:05 to make the environment sleep friendly but to my greatest shock all but the front row was already occupied...sure signs of martyrdom. No other option left but to settle in the front row right infront of the speaker and the screen....Perfecto!!!
Options available to me under these hostile conditions:
1. To actually listen to all that no sense nonsense(impossible!!!)
2. To doze off with my eyes open(mmm....next to impossible. Wish i was somehow related to fish in this matter. Moreover i cant insult the speaker with my dozing off with my eyes closed you see:D)
3. Fake a phone call n walk out of the meeting (ahha!!! Im a genius)
Just as I was working on my brilliant scheme and thinking how long i should sit on that "thorne" chair before taking the "really urgent" phone call...ticket to my freedom, who could come n sit next to me but my manager(damager):(. One look at him and I knew I was doomed in that front row till my life was totally sucked out or if things get better and I get even close to be lucky....till the discussion ends before I vapourize completely. In short Im finished....fineeto!!!I was left with no other option but to keep myself awake and actually listen if not atleast fake it. Finally the much dreaded meeting commenced. My mind was all focused only on one task...not to fall asleep and it was a real struggle.
Ways to keep myself awake:
1. Playing a game on my mobile phone...would be too obvious both to my manager and the speaker so ruled out.
2. To pick up my scribbling pad and start scribbling something more interesting.....a really good option as it would look like Im taking notes which inturn would imply Im actually listening (im a real genius...yeah!!!)
Hence my 'To Do' list before any meeting has a new entry... To carry a scribbling pad and a pen. Just as I was wondering what to pen down, my manager received an urgent call from his manager to attend some other meeting. As soon as my manager left, within few minutes I too received a 'really urgent' phone call and walked out alive:D
Moral of the story is 'Luck always favours the prepared mind':)

IDentity Crisis.... I was introduced to this term by a friend of mine who was going through it. (Though it took me a while to figure out what he exactly meant by that) It happens when one feels what they are is not what they wanted for themselves. There is a clash between what they r deep down inside and what they appear to be to the world outside…. hmmmmm. This was a few months ago. I did some serious thinking about it then. Today as I was heading home after giving an exam (I struggled to get through this one for 4days n 4 nights and I cleared with flying colors. My hard work did really pay off...:D)the term Id crisis resurfaced again in my heavy head(hangover due to lack of sleep). What triggered this reappearance is the question the lady next to me asked..."Are you a Keralite?" I smiled at her even without realizing it n said "No...Im an Andhrite" People around me always have questions about where I'm basically from....curiosity. Though the intention behind the question is to know where my roots are the question itself varies from "where are you basically from?" "Are you a Keralite?" "Are you a Bangalorean?" to "Are you a Kannadiga/Tamilian/North Indian/...???" ....etc...etc (anything n everything other than an Andhrite) well...my answer never seemed to satisfy them. Some people just laugh at their guess being proved very wrong while some take it to heart that they were not even close to the fact but there r a few others who are brave enough to show their disappointment or rather disapproval openly saying "are YOU an Andhrite??" filled with shock instead of a friendly "Are you an Andhrite??" with a surprised tone. One experience really stands out as all other experiences look minuscule compared to this one... a person who heard me talking in Telugu came to me n asked where I learnt to speak such good Telugu. When I told him that it is my mother tongue he was dumbstruck n the expression written on his face was strong enough to make me think if I did anything wrong by being born as an Andhrite.
Deep down inside Im a Telugite born n brought up in Andhra but to the outside world I seem to be multi faceted...a Keralite, a Tamilian, a Kannadiga, a Banglorean, a North Indian but never an Andhrite..... if this is not an ID crisis then what else is???